The New Czech: Recipe for Success Boring job? Crappy car? Ugly wife? Don't worry, help is at hand! Just follow these simple steps and adopt the exciting lifestyle of the New Czech!

Firstly, you're going to need some money. Lots and lots of money.

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You can get this from several sources; dealing drugs, stealing cars, robbing banks; 

However we recommend finding ...

Ground Zero Cafe, Haight Street, San Francisco
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I'm thinking of an old Rod Stewart video. The one where he's in some bar (wearing what I now know in Czech as legíny) strutting around, looking like an emaciated peacock.

He's singing, asking "do you think I'm sexy?" No. Rod Stewart was not sexy at any time during the seventies. Of course, that's my opinion.

To ask what is sexy is like asking what's good to eat. It begs too broad a question and too subjective (keyword) an answer. Question: What is sexy? Answer: A man in a uniform. Does it matter what kind of uniform? Military? Avaiary? Custodial?

Personally, I think tuxedos can make the nerdiest (is that a word?) guy look kind of sexy. Having attended several weddings, I am always amazed that the rather ugly guy I saw sleezing his way through the female guests at the rehearsal dinner is now standing as a drop dead gorgeous tuxed groomsman. The change is so dramatic I'm thinking about being fitted for one myself. Is a woman sexy in a uniform? Rumor has it that she is... if she's dressed as a nurse or French maid.

Stripping is sexy. Especially burlesque. But now, it's The Lipstick Lounge and Chippendale's. I was once at a Chippendale's show. This guy came out in an astronaut's uniform. Women were screaming. All I kept thinking was what if Neil Armstrong stepped out?

Behavior patterns of the sexually stimulated: 
Men: sitting, calm, JD neat in hand, cigarette, staring

Women: standing, crazed, wine on table, cigarettes, barking

What about sexy lines? What could someone say to you that would just turn you on? Some subjective sexy dialogs;
Dialog A:
-Oh so hot. You're on fire.
-Stoke me, baby.

Dialog B:
-That's a sexy bra you're wearing.
-Thank you. (Bra drops to floor)
-What happened to the titties?

Dialog C:
-What's for dinner?
-You are, meat boy.

Dialog D:
-They're playing our song.
-Is that our song?
-It is.

Dialog E:
-I love it when you think of her. It turns me on.
-You're a great woman, Sid.
-Call me Mona.

Yeah, but does it come with batteries?

An archaeological find of major sexual importance has been discovered in Salonika, Greece. In the process of clearing the old to make way for the new, what is believed to be the oldest brothel known to humankind has been unearthed.

The almost 2000 year old pleasure-dome is the largest and most complete find of its kind; covering approximately 10 city blocks, the sex complex is replete with dining, steam and massage rooms, playrooms, and a wealth of sex toys.

Artefacts include a variety of dildos (most of them clay - ouch!), tools for massage, S&M gadgets, as well as plates, glasses and pitchers for the Dionysiusists' dining pleasure. Artefacts are either designed as or decorated with the phallus in mind (see above).

Sex enthusiasts could choose from any one of a number of steam rooms (kept hot by one central boiler, see below) to be soaked and massaged to their libido's content. Thereafter, adjourning to a sex room (hetero or homo) to engage in lengthy and unadulterated pleasure. 

Is a woman sexier in clothing or in the nude? Is a man sexier in clothing or in the nude?

If you're unsure, try to be around when a manikin is in the process of having its clothing changed.

Rod Stewart has said that his wife's body was made for sex. Does that mean I'm missing something? Is that the same thing as having vocal chords but being unable to sing? Can Rod Stewart's wife sing? Last week I went to a concert. I wore a dress that some may say was provocative. I don't know. Breasts, cleavage. I looked very sexy. I think that that night, I too had a body made for sex. That night I actually carried a tune. Until my friends asked me to stop. Did anyone think I was sexy? I saw many sexy people at the concert. Saw many people who thought they were sexy. Some were right. Others well... it was a good concert.

Overheard on the street:          
-She's got great legs.
-Who? Her?
-Yes her. Rabbit ears.
-She's got no ankles.
-So what?
-How can you have sexy legs without ankles?
-I don't know. Ask her.

I saw this Czech couple - note: I am, of course, assuming they were Czech. This, of course, is wrong. Assumptions - no good. Stop stereotypes. Anyway... I saw this Czech couple walking across the bridge. They were in love. It was nice to see. Again. He was wearing a cut-off, now mid-drift football jersey (#69), polyester shorts, mid-thigh. White knee socks which slid down into white patent leather loafers. His hair cut close to his face if only to offset the Samson-like tresses that hung down his back. And you know?

His woman thought he was sexy. I didn't. Who's right? Possibly both.

Sexy and its relation to pretty. I was waiting in a grocery line. I saw a magazine - Elle? Vogue? And on the cover, in the corner, it said "this Spring, pretty is in!" What? Hey ugly girls, it's not your season! You're out! Can't ugly be sexy?

Remember the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz? Ugly as hell (personal note: referred to Dorothy as "my pretty" - lesbian overtone? Research.) So she's ugly as hell but some could argue that the bitch from the west was sexy. Tall, slender, long nails, dressed in black - the deliciously wicked voice. The way she ordered those monkey guys around. 

So - if pretty = sexy then ugly= dissolution. (And something to remember when considering pretty + sexy + sex : just because he has an Adonis-like physique and she is Venus personified, it would be foolish to assume that great sex with either is a given. Think of that gorgeous piece of fruit you once bought only to take a bite and find that there was no flavor. I'd be happy to eat a blemished plum. They're usually sweeter.) 

Hair. Sexy hair? Is it short, long, straight, curly, black, blond. Can you be sexy on a bad hair day? Baldness? Despite the onslaught of worldwide hair clubs for men, it seems that lately being bald is... in. More and more, "people in the know" "go bald" either naturally or with electronic aid.

I think Patrick Stewart (aka Jean Luc Picard) is sexy as hell. (Personal note: Picard held captive and captured by Cardassians. Tight shot of Jean Luc's ass.) What about the balding guy who swoops 6" of hair form one side of his head to cover the (offending) patch? Is that sexy to some? Yes. Certainly he perceives it as sexier or he'd let the baldness shine in all its sexual glory.    

Subjective Sexy poetics:     
Your hair is the color of honey
your eyes gemstones yet unnamed
your lips are crushed cherries
and I am left untamed.

Sexy and its relation to music. 
Ravel's Bolero was sexy only because it was associated with bodacious Bo Derek in the movie 10. Bo needed Bolero. So millions of people went out - sexually driven - to buy a recording. It was going to make them sexy - their sex would be sexier. Bo had said so. But what if braided Bo could only do it (or I guess I should say liked to do it) to maybe... Stairway to Heaven? or Take This Job and Shove It? or Pop Goes the Weasel? 

What then? 

Take This Job and Shove It reminds me of other wonderfully colorful C&W lyrics that tell it like it is. Sexy C&W lyrics - how 'bout "you're the hangnail in my life and I can't bite you off?" True song. Then why not "you're the dandruff in my hair and I can't flake you out? What the hell, I'll take it another direction: you're love is like PMS and I... am bloated.

And so I conclude my stream of consciousness ditty discussing  "what is sexy?" with no conclusion. You know what you like, I know what I like and they know what they like. If you find it sexy (whatever 'it' is) then that's all that matters.

Here's hoping that the "it" finds you sexy too.

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