A humorous look at the differences between men and women...
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex, remote control and beer.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Thingie (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
men vs. women
Chemical Analysis: Woman
Quantitative Analysis:Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)H(5)OH and sexy aftershaves. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react to if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Specimen turns rosy tint if discovered in raw natural state.
Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posses more than one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
Chemical Analysis: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for AssHole, a common French root used to identify the element)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7" in length, wavy brown hair, 6' 0"
Analysis: Though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg.
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast in the world)
Physical properties: Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical properties: All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analyst) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
"Are you male or female?"
Take this simple test and find out for sure
1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
b. Almost a dozen
2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. Toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. Hand your keys over politely
3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed:
4. At the doctor's, a common request would be:
b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"
5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. One cup
b. Two cups
6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
b. "Do I look fat?"
7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
a. Sports legend
8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
9. When you hear the words "hand wash", the first thing that comes to your mind is:
a. Your car
b. Panty hose
10. It's the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are:
a. Too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
11. Your idea of basic pump is:
a. An athletic shoe made by Nike
b. A heeled shoe sold at Humanics
12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a = 1 point b = 2 points
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to giving blow-jobs to a president someday.