A couple of issues ago I wrote an article on pick-up lines, but there were only a couple of ways to reject or deal with rejection.
You wouldn't believe the amount of grief I have gotten from my girlfriends over that article, many of who complained that when they go out to a bar, it's to socialize, not to rut like pigs in heat (we HAVE our boys for that, thank you.)
So in the interest of fairness, and to help all your poor female readers who have been victimized by this rampage of picker-uppers, please consider the antidote, my guide to rejecting lame pick-up lines:
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) In the department of "nice turn downs" there's this one: I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
8.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a f*ckin' hike!!!"
9.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative.
She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
10.) Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
11.) Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
12.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
13.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
14.) After hearing a pick-up line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
15.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't even born yet."
16.) These two guys came up with a very quick response over vacation. They were walking down the street and glanced at me and my friend's ass as we walked by. She turned around and said to him, "What are you looking at?" His friend, walking next to him, came to his rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
17.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
18.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on his thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates.
She paused just a second and the delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.
19.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
20.) Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
- Illustration: Tex Avery