The Official Office Guide to Purchasing Nuclear weapons

Guide to Purchasing Nuclear weapons
Pin It

In order to purchase your own nuclear weapons system and help us serve you better in the future please complete the following questionnaire and we will be happy to forward you our new catalogue.

Thank you for the interest you have shown in our company.

Simply complete the following:

1) Name
(please tick as appropriate)

First name: ____________________
Surname: ____________________
Code name: ____________________
Latitude: ____________________
Longitude: ____________________
Altitude: ____________________

2) Have you purchased any of our aircraft?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ F -14 Tomcat
▢ F- 15 Eagle
▢ F- 16 Falcon
▢ F- 17 Stealth

3) Where was this product purchased?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Received as gift / package
▢ Catalogue showroom
▢ Sleazy arms broker
▢ Mail order / Internet
▢ Discount store
▢ Government surplus
▢ Classified

4) How did you first become aware of our products?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Heard loud noise, looked up
▢ Store display
▢ Espionage
▢ Recommended by friend/ relative/ally/ Halliburton
▢ political lobbying by manufacturer
▢ was attacked by one

5) Please tick the three factors that most influenced you to buy this product:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Style / appearance
▢ Bribe
▢ Recommended by salesperson
▢ Speed / manoeuvrability
▢ Comfort / convenience
▢ Advanced weapons system
▢ Price / value
▢ Backroom politics
▢ Negative experience in combat
▢ Enthusiasm of wife / children

6) Please tick the locations where your nuclear weapons will be used:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ North America
▢ Central / South America
▢ Europe
▢ Middle East
▢ Africa
▢ Asia / far East
▢ Misc. third world countries
▢ all of the above

7) Please tick the products you currently own or intend to purchase in the future:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Color TV
▢ VCR
▢ Satellite
▢ CD player
▢ Air-To-Air missiles
▢ Space shuttle
▢ Home computer
▢ Electric coffee grinder

8) How would you describe your organization?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Communist / Socialist
▢ Terrorist (Non-Al Quaeda)
▢ Crazed (Al Quaeda)
▢ Neutral
▢ Democratic
▢ Dictatorship
▢ Corrupt
▢Primitive / tribal

9) How do you intend to pay for your product?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Cash
▢ Suitcases of cocaine
▢ Oil revenues
▢ Deficit spending
▢ Personal cheque
▢ Credit card
▢ Ransom Money
▢Traveler’s Cheque

10) Occupation

You:
▢ Homemaker
▢ Sales / marketing
▢ Revolutionary
▢ Clerical
▢ Mercenary
▢ Tyrant
▢ Middle Management
▢ Eccentric Billionaire
▢ Defense Minister / General
▢ Retired
▢Student

Your Spouse:
▢ Homemaker
▢ Sales / marketing
▢ Revolutionary
▢ Clerical
▢ Mercenary
▢ Tyrant
▢ Middle Management
▢ Eccentric Billionaire
▢ Defense Minister / General
▢ Retired
▢Student

11) To help us understand our customers lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse participate on a regular basis:
(please tick as appropriate)

Activity/interest
You:

▢ Golf
▢ Boating / sailing
▢ Sabotage
▢ Running / Jogging
▢ Propaganda / misinformation
▢ Destabilization / overthrow
▢ Default on loans
▢ Gardening
▢ Crafts
▢ Black market / smuggling
▢ Watching sport on TV
▢ Wines
▢ Interrogation / torture
▢ Household pets
▢ Crushing rebellions
▢ Espionage / reconnaissance
▢ Fashion / clothing
▢ Border disputes
▢Mutually assured destruction

Your Spouse:
▢ Golf
▢ Boating / sailing
▢ Sabotage
▢ Running / Jogging
▢ Propaganda / misinformation
▢ Destabilization / overthrow
▢ Default on loans
▢ Gardening
▢ Crafts
▢ Black market / smuggling
▢ Watching sport on TV
▢ Wines
▢ Interrogation / torture
▢ Household pets
▢ Crushing rebellions
▢ Espionage / reconnaissance
▢ Fashion / clothing
▢ Border disputes
▢Mutually assured destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help our company serve you better in the future – as well as entitling you to receive mailings and news of our special offers and sales on chemical weapons.

If you do not wish to receive information about special offers from other companies, extremist groups and mysterious consortia, please tick this box: ▢

Any comments and suggestions about our fighter planes? Please send them to our military aerospace division.

Cold Weather, Hot Deals - Get $40 off hotel bookings
Think Magazine is a grenade in the lap of journalism!

_ The Economist

Our Mission

1. To make you think
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you.
2. To tell the world the truth
When you only tell the truth, you start earning trust, as journalists, our mission is to tell the truth.
3. To make you laugh
We want to make you laugh, chuckle, smirk, grin or smile as we try to find the upside of life in the face of all the evil around us.
 

Name Day/Svátek

Yesterday : Soňa Today : Taťána Tomorrow : Arnošt After tomorrow : Kvido

 
Let Potrefená husa chase away your blues!
Alex Barber

Gotz the blues? Need some good news? Well, listen up baby, to what you gotz to dooze. Strap on some  [ ... ]

On Populism and the Corporate Sleight of Hand
Francis Pruett On Populism and the Corporate Sleight of Hand

I am pleased at the results in Netherlands. Really, I am.

Winter Sports: Cold play in the Czech Republic
Kasia Pilat Krkonoše (Photo: Kačka a Ondra CC)

Active and passive ways to indulge winter's many options

Messing up your own mind
Health Desk Messing up your own mind with psychopharmacology

PROZAC, the American anti-depressant, is often targeted at children now that its coverage of the adu [ ... ]

A Load of Old Krapp?
John Phillips Samuel Beckett

Krapp's Last Tape by Samuel Beckett is being performed in March as part of the Irish Festival. Think [ ... ]

A Political Philosophy Advocating Personal Freedom
Jeffree Benet You're a liberal

The other day at that new cafe in the center of Prague, I ran into an old friend of mine,  [ ... ]

How the Russian Dead Hand System works (or, Putin'...
Jeffree Benet How the Russian Dead Hand System works

Have you ever noticed that the Russian President for life Vladamír Putin walks around with a swagge [ ... ]

NASA Mooned America: Did man Ever land on the Moon...
Karl Rotstan NASA Mooned America: Did man Ever land on the Moon?

Did man really walk on the Moon or was it the ultimate camera trick, asks David Milne?

FEMINISM: Myth v. Reality
Missed Manners FEMINISM: Myth v. Reality

Well, it's time for another instalment of know-it-all answers to questions nobody asked.  [ ... ]

The product is you.
Jeffree Benet "Consumer Way" by Martin Laksman

An exploration of the mediascape that shapes our perceptions.

How Money Began (and what it is today)
Douglas and Koneta Roxby How Money Began

Today, when you buy a fifty-cent ice cream cone and you have a dollar, you expect to receive some c [ ... ]

View of a small dying planet
Alan Turing The Earth is dying

Imagine a time-lapse film of the Earth taken from space. Play back the last 10,000 years sped up so  [ ... ]