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Guide to Purchasing Nuclear weapons
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In order to purchase your own nuclear weapons system and help us serve you better in the future please complete the following questionnaire and we will be happy to forward you our new catalogue.

Thank you for the interest you have shown in our company.

Simply complete the following:

1) Name
(please tick as appropriate)

First name: ____________________
Surname: ____________________
Code name: ____________________
Latitude: ____________________
Longitude: ____________________
Altitude: ____________________

2) Have you purchased any of our aircraft?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ F -14 Tomcat
▢ F- 15 Eagle
▢ F- 16 Falcon
▢ F- 17 Stealth

3) Where was this product purchased?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Received as gift / package
▢ Catalogue showroom
▢ Sleazy arms broker
▢ Mail order / Internet
▢ Discount store
▢ Government surplus
▢ Classified

4) How did you first become aware of our products?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Heard loud noise, looked up
▢ Store display
▢ Espionage
▢ Recommended by friend/ relative/ally/ Halliburton
▢ political lobbying by manufacturer
▢ was attacked by one

5) Please tick the three factors that most influenced you to buy this product:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Style / appearance
▢ Bribe
▢ Recommended by salesperson
▢ Speed / manoeuvrability
▢ Comfort / convenience
▢ Advanced weapons system
▢ Price / value
▢ Backroom politics
▢ Negative experience in combat
▢ Enthusiasm of wife / children

6) Please tick the locations where your nuclear weapons will be used:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ North America
▢ Central / South America
▢ Europe
▢ Middle East
▢ Africa
▢ Asia / far East
▢ Misc. third world countries
▢ all of the above

7) Please tick the products you currently own or intend to purchase in the future:
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Color TV
▢ VCR
▢ Satellite
▢ CD player
▢ Air-To-Air missiles
▢ Space shuttle
▢ Home computer
▢ Electric coffee grinder

8) How would you describe your organization?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Communist / Socialist
▢ Terrorist (Non-Al Quaeda)
▢ Crazed (Al Quaeda)
▢ Neutral
▢ Democratic
▢ Dictatorship
▢ Corrupt
▢Primitive / tribal

9) How do you intend to pay for your product?
(please tick as appropriate)
▢ Cash
▢ Suitcases of cocaine
▢ Oil revenues
▢ Deficit spending
▢ Personal cheque
▢ Credit card
▢ Ransom Money
▢Traveler’s Cheque

10) Occupation

You:
▢ Homemaker
▢ Sales / marketing
▢ Revolutionary
▢ Clerical
▢ Mercenary
▢ Tyrant
▢ Middle Management
▢ Eccentric Billionaire
▢ Defense Minister / General
▢ Retired
▢Student

Your Spouse:
▢ Homemaker
▢ Sales / marketing
▢ Revolutionary
▢ Clerical
▢ Mercenary
▢ Tyrant
▢ Middle Management
▢ Eccentric Billionaire
▢ Defense Minister / General
▢ Retired
▢Student

11) To help us understand our customers lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse participate on a regular basis:
(please tick as appropriate)

Activity/interest
You:

▢ Golf
▢ Boating / sailing
▢ Sabotage
▢ Running / Jogging
▢ Propaganda / misinformation
▢ Destabilization / overthrow
▢ Default on loans
▢ Gardening
▢ Crafts
▢ Black market / smuggling
▢ Watching sport on TV
▢ Wines
▢ Interrogation / torture
▢ Household pets
▢ Crushing rebellions
▢ Espionage / reconnaissance
▢ Fashion / clothing
▢ Border disputes
▢Mutually assured destruction

Your Spouse:
▢ Golf
▢ Boating / sailing
▢ Sabotage
▢ Running / Jogging
▢ Propaganda / misinformation
▢ Destabilization / overthrow
▢ Default on loans
▢ Gardening
▢ Crafts
▢ Black market / smuggling
▢ Watching sport on TV
▢ Wines
▢ Interrogation / torture
▢ Household pets
▢ Crushing rebellions
▢ Espionage / reconnaissance
▢ Fashion / clothing
▢ Border disputes
▢Mutually assured destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help our company serve you better in the future – as well as entitling you to receive mailings and news of our special offers and sales on chemical weapons.

If you do not wish to receive information about special offers from other companies, extremist groups and mysterious consortia, please tick this box: ▢

Any comments and suggestions about our fighter planes? Please send them to our military aerospace division.

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Our Mission

1. To make you think
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you.
2. To tell the world the truth
When you only tell the truth, you start earning trust, as journalists, our mission is to tell the truth.
3. To make you laugh
We want to make you laugh, chuckle, smirk, grin or smile as we try to find the upside of life in the face of all the evil around us.

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