Major warning signs of insanity

Illustration by Mark Alan Stamaty.
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In a world as crazy as this, the Trumpian era, you have to wonder if you are possibly becoming crazy and imaging the insanity of the post-millennial world. And you might just be right. Check the signs and see...

• Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

• Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

• You write to your mother in Berlin every week, even though she sends you mail from New York asking why you never write.

• Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

• You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

• You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

• Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

• People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

• Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

• You laugh out loud during funerals.

• When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

• Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

• You collect dead windowsill flies.

• Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

• You like cats. Especially with mayo.

• You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

• You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

• Melba toast excites you.

• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

• Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

• Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

• Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

• You try to make a list of the "Warning Signs of Insanity". (cough)

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