I’m with the Band!

Be a rock star, or just smell like one!

Hot damn, it looks like the band may be re-forming, so I’ve hauled out my bass. Gonna learn how to play it, this time for sure. 

I’ll need a drummer, though. Can’t practice ‘til then. You see, all these years now of passing myself off as a minor celeb, just to get into parties for free drinks and quick liaisons with bimbo girls, has paid off handsomely. I’ve even been invited to play on-stage before 40,000, but my index finger is always broken and bandaged. 

You too can live a life of rock’n’roll, just know that the trick to being taken for a rocker, is to smell like one; the first thing you should do is alter your bathing habits. I don’t mean you should develop a complete disregard for hygiene, you just might want to cut back on the frequency with which you wash your hair. And make sure to only wear old second hand clothing, the weirder the better.

You’ll need a band name. Its not a good idea to pretend to be a member of a Swedish Transvestite Heavy Metal Band. Go for something realistic. I came up with mine in freshman year when a friend and I were discussing cool band names, and were both taking CS61A at the time, and there in a footnote of the textbook was the answer… Mutual Exclusion! 

Just know that the coolest rock band is someone nobody has heard of and is on a label that doesn’t even exist yet. Your Band! Also, learn a little rock history, someone is going to eventually talk to you and expect you to talk back; and if you say something like, "Justin Timberlake is really cool," you are liable to get the dimsum kicked out of you.

And that would be really embarrassing because the rock world is populated largely by wussies. If anybody mentions a band you don’t know, just say "Yeah, but their old stuff is better."

To get in concerts free, always get to the venue a little bit earlier and you can easily get in for free. Develop a I’m-gloomy-and-I-live-a-hopeless-existence, mood. People will be less likely to stop you at the door. Always carry a copy of some old rock mag, or a guitar pic. Chat the girls up, but avoid girlfriends.

And look in the mirror, and practice "I’m with the band!"